The Mathematics Of Beauty

January 10th, 2011 by Christian Rudder

This post investigates female attractiveness, but without the usual photo analysis stuff. Instead, we look past a woman's picture, into the reaction she creates in the reptile mind of the human male.

Among the remarkable things we'll show:

Fair warning: we're about to objectify women, big-time. The whole purpose of this blog is to analyze OkCupid's data, and without a little bit of objectification that's impossible. Men will get their turn under the microscope soon enough. As usual, none of this (with the exception of the celebrity examples) is myopinion. All data is collected from actual user activity.

Let's start at the beginning.

All people, but especially guys, spend a disproportionate amount of energy searching for, browsing, and messaging our hottest users. As I've noted before, a hot woman receives roughly 4× the messages an average-looking woman gets, and 25× as many as an ugly one. Getting swamped with messages drives users, especially women, away. So we have to analyze and redirect this tendency, lest OkCupid become sausageparty.com.

Every so often we run diagnostic plots like the one below, showing how many messages a sampling of 5,000 women, sorted by attractiveness, received over the last month.

These graphs are adjusted for race, location, age, profile completeness, login activity, and so on—the only meaningful difference between the people plotted is their looks. After running a bunch of these, we began to ask ourselves: what else accounts for the wide spread of the x's, particularly on the "above-average" half of the graph? Is it just randomness?

What is it about her:

that gets more attention than her:

...even though according to our users, they're both good-looking?

Not all 7s are the same

It turns out that the first step to understanding this phenomenon is to go deeper into the mathematically different ways you can be attractive.

For example, using the classic 10-point 'looks' scale, let's say a person's a 7. It could be that everyone who sees her thinks exactly that: she's pretty cute.

But something extreme like this could just as easily be going on:

If all we know is that she is a 7, there's no way to tell. Maybe for some guys our hypothetical woman is the cat's pajamas and for the rest she's the cat Garfield. Who knows?

As it turns out, this distribution of opinions is very important.

Celebrity photos: to titillate and inform

Let's look at what the ratings distribution might be for a couple famous people. I imagine that for, say, the actress Kristen Bell it would be roughly like this:

Ms. Bell is universally considered good-looking, but it's not like she's a supermodel or anything. She would probably get a few votes in the 'super hot' range, lots around 'very attractive', and almost none at the 'unattractive' end of the graph.

Compare her to Megan Fox, who might rate like this:

On the far right, you have the many dudes who think she's the sexiest thing ever. On the far left, you have the small number of people who have seen her movies.

Unlike Ms. Bell, Ms. Fox produces a strong reaction, even if it's sometimes negative.

Real People

Now let's look back at the two real users from before, this time with their own graphs. OkCupid uses a 1 to 5 star system for rating people, so the rest of our discussion will be in those terms. All the users pictured were generous and confident enough to allow us to dissect their experience on our site, and we appreciate it. Okay, so we have:

As you can see, though the average attractiveness for the two women above is very close, their vote patterns differ. On the left you have consensus, and on the right you have split opinion.

To put a fine point on it:

• Ms. Left is, in an absolute sense, considered slightly more attractive
• Ms. Right was also given the lowest rating 142% more often
• yet Ms. Right gets 3× as many messages

When we began pairing other people of similar looks and profiles, but different message outcomes, this pattern presented itself again and again. The less-messaged woman was usually considered consistently attractive, while the more-messaged woman often created variation in male opinion. Here are a couple more examples:

We felt like were on to something, so, being math nerds, we put on sweatpants. Then we did some work.

Our first result was to compare the standard deviation of a woman's votes to the messages she gets. The more men disagree about a woman's looks, the more they like her.We found that the more men disagree about a woman's looks, the more they like her. I've plotted the deviation vs. messages curve below, again including some examples.

The women along the graph are near the 80^th percentile in overall attractiveness. You can click the tiny thumbnails to expand them.

As you can see, a woman gets a better response from men as men become less consistent in their opinions of her.

Our next step was to analyze a woman's actual vote pattern of 1s, 2s, 3s,4s, and 5s:

If You're Into Algebra

We did a regression on the votes for and messages to a sample of 43,000 women. To keep everything consistent, all the women were straight, between the ages of 20 and 27, and lived in the same city. The formula given in the body of the post was the best-fit we found on our second regression, after dropping the m₃ term because its p-value was very near 1.

msgs are the number of messages the woman received during the observation period. The constantk reflects her overall level of site activity. For this equation, R² = .28, which isn't great in a lab or on a problem set, but is actually very good in a real-world environment.

This required a bit more math and is harder to explain with a simple line-chart. Basically, we derived a formula to predict the amount of attention a woman gets, based on the curve of her votes. With this we can translate what guys think of a woman's looks into how much attention she actually gets.

The equation we arrived at might look opaque, but when we get into it, we'll see it says some funny things about guys and how they decide which women to hit on.

The most important thing to understand is that the ms are the men voting on her looks, making up her graph, like so:

And those ms with positive numbers in front contribute to messaging; the ones with negative numbers subtract from it. Here's what this formula is telling us:

The more men who say you're hot, the more messages you get.

How we know this—the .9 in front of m₅ is the biggest positive number, meaning that the guys who think you're amazing (voting you a perfect '5') are the strongest contributors to your messaging income. This is certainly an expected result and gives us some indication our formula is making sense.

Men who think you're cute actually subtract from your message count.

How we know this—because the .1 coefficient in front of m₄ is negative. This tells us that guys giving you a '4', who are actually rating you above average-looking, are taking away from the messages you get. Very surprising. In fact, when you combine this with the positive number in front of the m₁ term, our formula says that, statistically speaking:

If someone doesn't think you're hot, the next best thing for them to think is that you're ugly.

This is a pretty crazy result, but every time we ran the numbers—changing the constraints, trying different data samples, and so on—it came back to stare us in the face. In plain scientific terms, it was like a baby we were trying to drown had somehow grown gills. (This happens all the time in China.)

What We Think Is Going On

So this is our paradox: when some men think you're ugly, other men are more likely to message you. And when some men think you're cute, other men become less interested. Why would this happen? Perhaps a little game theory can explain:

Suppose you're a man who's really into someone. If you suspect other men are uninterested, it means less competition. You therefore have an added incentive to send a message. You might start thinking: maybe she's lonely. . . maybe she's just waiting to find a guy who appreciates her. . . at least I won't get lost in the crowd. . . maybe these small thoughts, plus the fact that you really think she's hot, prod you to action. You send her the perfectly crafted opening message.

"sup"

On the other hand, a woman with a preponderance of '4' votes, someone conventionally cute, but not totally hot, might appear to be more in-demand than she actually is. To the typical man considering her, she's obviously attractive enough to create the impression that other guys are into her, too. But maybe she's hot enough for him to throw caution (and grammar) to the wind and send her a message. It's the curse of being cute.

The overall picture looks something like this:

Finally: What This Could Mean To You

I don't assume every woman cares if guys notice her or not, but if you do, what does all the above analysis mean in practical terms?

Well, fundamentally, it's hard to change your overall attractiveness (the big single number we were talking about at the beginning). However, thevariance you create is under your control, and it's simple to maximize:

Take whatever you think some guys don't like—and play it up.

As you've probably already noticed, women with tattoos and piercings seem to have an intuitive grasp of this principle. They show off what makes them different, and who cares if some people don't like it. And they get lots of attention from men.

But our advice can apply to anyone. Browsing OkCupid, I see so many photos that are clearly designed to minimize some supposedly unattractive trait—the close-cropped picture of a person who's probably overweight is the classic example. We now have mathematical evidence that minimizing your "flaws" is the opposite of what you should do. If you're a little chubby, play it up. If you have a big nose, play it up. If you have a weird snaggletooth, play it up: statistically, the guys who don't like it can only help you, and the ones who do like it will be all the more excited.

How to Ask Someone Out: Get the Timing Right

When dating successfully, getting your timing right is one of the single most important factors. Timing in respect to the best time to ask a girl out, with respect to what night to ask her out first and even with respect to when in your lives you actually meet at all.

Looking back on my life so far I realize that when relationships didn't work out, it wasn't because the girls I dated were wrong for me. Most often it was because we simply met at the wrong time in our lives. To meet a great girl who wants to get married to you when you are 22 years old may just be wrong timing. Meeting a fantastic lady when you are working abroad or on a short contract in a different location may be bad timing. And meeting someone who wants children when you are not yet ready is again bad timing. Sadly, many of these situations can't be helped, because that's how life goes. The people we would have grown old with best are often the ones we encountered to early or at the wrong moment in time. One cannot go back and one cannot rekindle something lost in time, so we have to accept that bad timing does happen with all of us.

Some timing issues have more to do with events and life cicumstances. Like when we ask a girl out at just the wrong moment. We are attracted to someone and take the initiative or opportunity, only to discover that she got into a new relationship hree weeks earlier. Or that she has just broken up with someone and is not yet ready for a new relationship. Maybe there has been a family crisis and the girl you are interested in is not predisposed for a romantic encounter. Three times in my life I have met great girls just as they (or I) were relocating to a new city! On top of this if you add illness and many other factors, there are plenty of opportunities for getting your timing wrong and invariably this is not your fault. Just a fact of life.

If someone accepts your proposal of a date, then you can control the timing somewhat better. Your basic instinct is to go for a weekend because you won't need to go to work the following day and so can stay out later. Often there are more social events to go to at a weekend and more restaurants open and with better atmosphere. Clubs, bars and discos are all far more attractive at a weekend and offer many more possibilities of dating. Yet this may be a good example of bad timing.

When dating you may want to think about the attractiveness of a week night which can work to your benefit. Weekends are often the only real free time people have got and many now plan their weekends well in advance. I do not like being on a strict schedule but again it is a fact of life in the early stages of dating. And I'lladmit that going on a date during the week takes away some of the glamour. Weekdays are fairly dull affairs in comparison and many are taken up with hobbies or commuting. But because they are also far less formal than a weekend, a first date on a weeknight can be seen as far more relaxed and informal.

Also, week day dates are usually not late night affairs, and an unsuccessful date can be gently brought to an end. So dinner after work may be a good thing after all. Also bear in mind that week nights can be dull and so a sparkling evening with you will do you and them no harm at all. In fact you are not competing with some other glamorous event the girl could have attended instead of being with you, so you are far less likely to face that troublesome contrast. Dating midweek also opens up the possibilities of more dates in a shorter amount of time and successful dates can quickly become longer prolonged weekend dates shortly afterwards.

You can do a great deal to help yourself with disappointment when a girl says no to you. Be flexible in your arrangements. Always offer a girl a choice of dates and locations and understand when she has reasons for doing other things. All too often when someone says no you automatically assume you are being given an excuse and that the truth lies elsewhere. You assume too much. Let her know that you are interested in her and that when things are better for her in her diary , that you can make some arrangements. Always stress that you are busy too and this will add to your overall appeal. Remember that you too must never be too available otherwise it comes across that you are uninteresting, or even worse, desperate. We have all heard the fabled excuse "I can't, I'm washing my hair tonight." That could be true.

On the other hand, lame excuses are just that, lame. They are meant to warn you off. And even though persistence may be a good trait, it doesn't often win the girl. The interest factor is at play there and when a woman makes to many lame excuses it shows her interest factor is low. If she was very interested, believe me she will move heaven and earth to meet you. Therefore it is essential that you get your timing right and ask a girl out when there is the greatest chance she will say yes. That does not mean you should prey on her when she is at her lowest ebb. When a girl says no and means it, you will know it. Coming on to her after that and you become a menace so simply move in. It is a numbers game my friend.

If you are in a nightclub, timing again plays its part. Asking a girl to dance when she has just met up with a huge group of friends will receive a negative response even if she likes the look of you. On the other hand, intercepting her at the bar whilst her friend is in the bathroom may well prove perfect. Try reading the signals of the situation in a positive way. Asking a girl to dance at 1am as the club is about to play the last song will usually get you nowhere unless both she and you are desperate. And what basis is that or successful dating?

So, whilst being flexible and semi available, know your subject in advance and work out when she is most likely to be available if possible. If your timing is right, you could easily get lots of positive responses that will lead on to something more special. Not taking timing into account can have the opposite and most disheartening effect.

• Understand when a woman has good reason to say no
• Be flexible and offer an alternative when asking - are you free Thursday or Friday?
• Don't fight her excuses if she says no, just move on
• Always sound busy yourself
• Accept that some people you will meet at the wrong time
• Choose a weeknight for the first date
• Choose the right moment to apprach a date in a bar of nightclub
• Never be scared of asking, the more you ask the more confident you will be
• Try not to ask her out in the middle of a big group, choose your moment carefully for maximum effect
• Don't get annoyed if she says no - smile!
• Try and know as much about your date's circumstances in advance only if she is known to you already
• Work out the best moments to ask someone out
• Don't ask her out when she is clearly busy or stressed or unhappy or not well

This article was taken from topdatingtips.com

Love Analytix: The Female Dictionary

In order for most relationships to work, communication is essential. And although most women and men are well aware of this, the differences in how we communicate can often cause signals to get crossed. Improving communication between males and females boils down to understanding and then accepting the different styles of communication, instead of trying to change it. Especially when it comes to understanding the language of women.

Generally speaking, female communication can be very difficult for men to decipher due to the complex way women express themselves. This complexity usually comes as a result of one of two reasons. First, women are usually far more detail oriented than men, who typically communicate by getting "straight to the point." 

For example, a woman could attempt to tell her man about a certain co-worker who is bothering her at work, and somehow the story leads her to tell him details about what the co-worker had on, how many children she has, and what she ate for lunch. Sometimes when women expresses themselves, they include excessive details which can makes it difficult for a man to pay attention or get the point she was trying to make. 

The other most common reason men find it difficult to understand the language of a female is that we don't always say what we truly mean. It's baffling for a man to hear a woman say 'yes' and mean 'no', or say 'no' but really mean 'yes'. So in an attempt to crack the code, here is a simple guide to understanding the language of women, or what we like to call the 'Female Dictionary.'

'Nevermind, Forget It'
Usually said by a woman at her first level of anger and actually means you better NOT forget it, but quickly figure out what you did wrong and apologize before her anger escalates.
Ex: Did you get home at 4 am? Well you should of-- nevermind, forget it.

'Excuse Me?'
This is said as a response to something a female didn't like and also serves as a warning for a man to explain what he just said immediately or retract it all together. 
Synonym: What the hell did you just say to me?

'I Love You'
Women do not really say this unless they truly mean it. So 'I love you,' simply means I love you.

'How Are You And Your Girlfriend?'
Women never really care about the other woman, so if she is posing this question she's subtly asking, "When are you two breaking up?"
Ex: Wow! We haven't talked since we dated two years ago, how are you and your girlfriend doing?

'I Didn't Hear My Phone'
Usually used as an excuse for when a woman doesn't want to speak with you. She heard her phone and she just didn't want to hear your voice.
Ex: What? You called? I didn't hear my phone, it was in my purse.

'It's Cool'
When you do something wrong and gets a woman to a point where she is overtly calm and cool about the situation, approach with caution.
Ex: I passed by your house last night and I saw your ex's car there. No, you don't have to explain, it's cool.

'I'm Done'
Sadly, most women are bluffing when they say these words. Often times a woman is not emotionally equipped to end the relationship yet, and uses this phrase as a warning. It usually ends up meaning, "I'm trying to get your attention, and I'll allow you one more chance to make it right."
Synonyms: It's over, I can't do this, I give up.

'I'm Mad, I'll Just Talk To You Later'
Women love to talk and to communicate whether or not they are upset. If she says she no longer wants to continue the conversation, what she's really saying is that she wants you to initiate conversation. Either way, it's a request for the man to call or text to make sure she's okay. 

'I'm Not Looking For A Relationship'
While some women would prefer to be single, most would never shun a good man unless past experiences have her in a bad place. This statement is actually a public service announcement for a man to know she's scared about being hurt again. 
Synonyms: I'm just focusing on me, I'm sick of the BS

'Do You'
She's past the point of any type of anger or frustration and has already made up in her mind that she's ready to move on. At this point she's already 'doing her' and no longer cares how you choose to behave. 
Synonyms: Makes no difference to me, go right on


'I'll Be Ready In Five Minutes'
The biggest lie a woman will ever tell. As women, we want to look nice for out man, while slightly making other women a little jealous. Five minutes at minimum will be at least another half hour.
Formula: For the correct arrival time, take the amount of minutes she says and add 20 minutes. 

Shirea L. Carroll is a journalist who has written for Essence, VIBE, Washington Post's TheRoot.com, XXL's Juicy, and AOL. Reporting on everything from music and entertainment to celebrity and love, she has interviewed some of today's biggest celebrity names. Find the NJ native on her blog Invite Only, or follow her on Twitter@InviteOnly to find out "who is and isn't invited."

4 Reasons Smart People Make Stupid Dating Decisions

"What was I thinking?  How could I have gone out with him in the first place?" Lots of us have been there at least once in our lives. Sometimes it's indicative of a pathological relationship pattern but often it's just a function of common human tendencies that cloud the judgment of smart, healthy people with good self-esteem. Here are four examples.

1. We Lie to Each Other
When you're attracted to someone it's normal to present a slightly embellished version of yourself since you want to be as desirable as possible. Online dating studies back this up, showing that people routinely fudge their virtues a little in their profiles (especially height and income for men, weight and age for women). When newly dating, people also tend to play down their past relational wreckage and personal liabilities. Have you ever fudged "the number" when asked about your sexual history or not completely owned up to your own role in a messy break-up?

 When you're crushing on someone you also (unconsciously and consciously) begin to mirror your love interest's mannerisms and embrace his or her preferences to some degree. It's a normal part of the mating dance and adds sizzle to romantic chemistry. But weeks or months later it's also natural for your warts-and-all self to show up - which can lead to that "what was I thinking?" moment - if the difference between the persona you presented initially and who you are when the infatuation stage cools is steep. Who are you and how do you behave when you think no one is looking? How closely does it match up with who you are when you first meet someone who makes your heart beat faster?

2. We Lie to Ourselves 
More than 50% of us think we're better than average just about anything we're asked about. For example, 95% of a random group of professors surveyed said their teaching was better than the average and over 80% of a random sample of drivers claimed they were better than average drivers. This is impossible, of course, since "average" by definition is the midpoint below which half of a random group falls. Like the fictitious Lake Wobegon where "all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average", daters with normal or high self-esteem are also typically a little deluded about their own assets, which can fool them into thinking they deserve a better match than they've got.

Along with thinking you can do better than an average Joe or Jane you're more likely to look at a partner's faults than your own after a break-up (unless you have low self-esteem, which inclines you to do the opposite). Without meaning to, friends and family often become enablers. Hoping to be supportive, they reinforce your distorted beliefs by telling you how great you are and how you deserved better anyway. Maybe you did...but maybe you didn't. (See my earlier post on Sexual Chemistry that explains why you gravitate to people with the same level of psychological maturity (for better or worse)

To get a 360 view of yourself, ask for really honest feedback on yourpersonality, appearance and habits from people you trust that have your best interest at heart. Let them know you are prepared to take in the negatives as well as the positives (and make sure you are prepared before you ask). One caveat: some of your family and friends may be revealing more about themselves than you when they give you their opinions but if you gather enough data, you will begin to see some characteristics that are tough to deny.

3. We Choose Junk Food and Junk Partners When We're Famished
Everything at the grocery store or buffet table looks more mouthwatering and becomes more irresistible if you go when you're really hungry, so having a little meal beforehand can help stop you from eating too much stuff that's bad for you. Every guy or girl in a bar also looks and becomes more irresistible when you're sex or relationship-starved.  Deliberately limiting exposure to a human buffet when coming off a drought (such as military deployment, prison, recent divorce, break-up or self-imposed celibacy) can also help keep you from making choices you regret later. This might mean staying away from bars and clubs altogether and socializing in groups of friends that include new people, or going to a club with a buddy who makes sure you don't drink too much or leave with someone other than him or her. This is one of the reasons it's also a good idea to consciously limit how much time you spend, and the level of sexual contact you have with a new love interest - even if (especially if) you think they're amazing.

4. Our Present Scenery Messes With Our Predictions of Future Satisfaction 
In an interesting study students were asked to estimate how much they thought they'd like a bag of potato chips that was placed front of them. Then they ate the chips and rated how much they actually liked them. Some students made their estimates in a room that also contained appetizing foods like chocolate bars while others guessed in a room with less appealing stuff like sardines and Spam. (They assumed the Spam was less appealing but I personally would take one of those Hawaiian Spam Musubi treats over chocolate any day. But I digress). Although no one was told to consider the other items in the room, the students in the "Spam room" predicted they would like the chips much more than the ones in the "chocolate room" did. How much they actually liked the chips was not affected by spam versus chocolate surroundings. The study's authors concluded: "We use different rulers for experiencing and prediction. Forecasters overestimate the extent to which they will be able to think about what they did not get while experiencing what they got."¹

The same contextual distortion and poor "affective forecasting" can happen if you scan a roomful of singles while deciding whether to go out with the one that's making a move on you. In a room full of Spam the woman in front of you might seem more delicious than she actually is and set you up for that "what was I thinking?" moment down the road. In a room full of chocolate, you might pass over a perfectly scrumptious man because he seems deceptively dull by comparison. Speed daters beware.

The moral of the story is twofold. Don't beat yourself up too much for making some funky relationship decisions. It's part of being human. But keep some of these typical tendancies in mind next time to help you look a little further before you leap.

This article was written by Linda Young, Ph.D. and was taken frompsychologytoday.com

1. Morwedge, C. K., Gilber, D. T., Myrseth, K. O. R., Kassam, K.S., & Wilson, T. (2010). Consuming experiences: Why affective forecasters overestimate comparative value. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 46 (6), 986-992

Do the Character Traits That Make Me a Good Friend Make Me a Bad Dater?

As I mentioned yesterday, I'm working on a book about literature and love that is due to come out in January 2012. But my first deadline is November 15 — I have to hand in about a quarter of the book on that day — and as that date approaches, I've started to worry that I'll never get all the necessary work done by then. As a result, I've decided I need to stop responding to email almost immediately (as I am wont to do) and to instead let a good bit of time go by before I respond to certain notes. Because the more quickly I respond, I've noticed, the more email I get! 

That, of course, got me thinking: Are some of the personality traits that make me a good friend inadvertently making me less attractive to men?

TRAIT #1: Being polite, reassuring, and prompt when it comes to communicating.
But it's my natural instinct to respond FAST to email notes, particularly when they're from my friends, because often they contain questions — sometimes anxious ones — and I always want to set my friends (and everyone else, within reason) at ease. It's my nature to be polite, comforting, reassuring. (In this modern age, however — a period of time when I receive tons of messages from all sorts of people, including the wonderful readers of my blog — it can be quite time-consuming to respond to everyone.) 

But I've noticed that my tendency to respond to emails with speed and thoroughness isn't always the best tactic in the realm of dating. Though I tend to think it's best not to play games — and I think that men who do often end up being assholes who aren't worth anyone's time — I'm also aware that taking things slow, or playing up the natural tension of a courtship, can be advantageous. 

TRAIT #2: Being a good amateur shrink.
One of the other things that I like to think makes me a good friend is my ability to draw people out. I'm naturally curious about other people's emotions and experiences, so I tend to ask a lot of questions — and whenever I'm one-on-one with a person, I probably enjoy listening more than talking (even if I can be something of a raconteur in a group situation). Most people — and certainly women — like finding a person whom they can confide in.

I have often wondered, though, if men on dates think good listeners are pushovers or doormats. I think men, when looking for girlfriends, like women who are a little more conversationally rambunctious — hyper, even. Sure, when I make conversational room, on a date, for a man to talk about all his deep stuff, he almost always does it, but I think sometimes he can regret it — or else feel like the conversation was a little dark or depressing. And I think that just as much as people on dates will mistake the adrenaline rush they experience when doing something new or scary (like going on a roller coaster) for a rush of passion, I think men on dates can think that whatever feelings of sadness arose when they were talking about heavy things in their past weren't a result of those memories as much as a result of being around me!

So in recent years, I've done my best to avoid getting too deep on early dates — and frankly, I think it's worked in my favor. 

TRAIT #3: Being particularly empathetic.
I'm also empathetic, which means I'm pretty good at putting myself in other people's shoes or imagining what kinds of things they're going through. There are obvious benefits to this. Most people really appreciate being understood .

Unfortunately, it also means that sometimes I can make excuses for people's bad behavior — including guys who are being kind of distant or assaholic. ("Oh," I'll tell myself, "he's just overwhelmed at work!") And when someone is making too many excuses or extending too much forgiveness to someone, particularly in the early stages of a relationship, it's rarely a good sign. 

On the other hand, some of the traits that make me a good friend — I like to think I'm loyal, reliable, and good at communicating — will certainly play in my favor, relationship-wise. 

Right?

This article was written by Maura Kelly and was taken from MarieClaire.com

How to Stay Broken Up – Seven Tips to Make Your Breakup Stick

Ever had a breakup last weeks? Have you ever gotten back together with an ex more than three of four times?

Well if you haven’t, then you probably know someone who is notorious for dragging relationships on and on.Turns out, I am one of those people.

For close to three years I managed to date the same two guys over and over again. I’d break up with one, then get back together with the other. That relationship would fizzle and then I’d find myself talking to the other one again.

And on, and on, and on, and on.

Turns out neither one of these guys were “the one,” and after some major drama and putting thousands of miles on my car, I managed to put them both behind me. But not without learning some serious lessons first.

As part of my incessant need to impart my dating wisdom on you, here are seven tips on how to make your break up stick. And yes, they are listed in order of importance.

1 – Don’t agree to “just be friends.” Just don’t.

2 – If you run in the same circles (i.e., same job, clique, neighborhood, kickball team, etc), don’t drink together. I’m talking absolutely no alcohol at all. It might seem harmless to have one beer at your office party, but one beer leads to a shot to car bombs,� and then the next thing you know you’re sitting on his lap in the back of a cab on the way to the next bar…not that this has happened to me before or anything.

3 – Go into your email contacts and change his name to “Do Not Read.”

4 – Do not delete his number from your phone. Repeat, don’t delete him. Instead, change his name to “Do Not Answer.” If this doesn’t stop you from calling him or picking up his call, change his entry once again to read: “Sexually Transmitted Disease.”

5 -You’re no longer friends on Facebook, MySpace, LinkedIn, Twitter, and any other social network you are a member of. I’m serious about this, no exceptions.

6 – Sit down and write him a long letter that says everything you’ve ever wanted to say to him plus everything you have already said to him. The next night, sit down and write a list of the top 10 things you don’t like about him. Now, take both pieces of paper and rip them up and throw it all away. Don’t give them to him, he doesn’t need to see it. This is your closure.

7 – Fill your days and nights with distraction. Train for a marathon, join a book club, take a class, get a part-time job, write your memoirs, try speed dating. Do everything you can think of to keep your mind occupied.

Don’t waste years on someone you aren’t meant to be with. Sure, you’re passing the time, but while you’re “passing time” the right guy is out there not knowing you’re available.


This article was taken from datingtales.net.

Why Guys Dump Girls They Dig

The Timing Is Off

Chances are, you've had at least one breakup that left you wondering, "What the hell just happened?" The guy dug you, you dug him, and the whole thing felt destined for a fabulous future — at least the foreseeable one. Then, out of nowhere, he bailed on the relationship. So what went wrong? The sad truth is, maybe nothing. Here are five completely ridiculous reasons guys kick you to the curb. Warning: For the most part, it ain't pretty. 

Women get serious when they meet the right man. Men get serious with whomever we happen to be dating when we're finally ready to settle down. That means after every other aspect of our life is in order — whether it's finishing grad school, finally pulling down a good-size paycheck, owning a car outright — or when our friends start dropping like flies (that's guyspeak for getting married). 

But if you catch a guy before he hits that magical stage of his life, then he's liable to bolt — like Patrick,* 28, who dumped Bridgett after two years, then got engaged to the next girl he dated after only 10 months. "When I was with Bridgett, all of my friends were single and I was still an intern with nothing going on in my career. So every time she'd bring up our future together, it felt like she was jumping the gun," he says. "I didn't break up with her because she was wrong for me. I ended it because I didn't want to commit to anyone right then. But by the time I met Elizabeth, I was in a settling-down frame of mind." 


We're Not Finished Playing the Field

Men are natural-born one-uppers. If there's a possibility of upgrading what we already have for something better (that'll make our friends drool), we say, bring it on! So we wind up always wondering if you're really as good as it gets. (I know, scumbag mentality.) "Whenever I meet a new hot chick, I consider what it would be like to date her, even if I have a girlfriend at the time," says Andy, 30. "The grass is always greener. No matter how great his current girl is, a guy doesn't want to feel like he's missing out." 


In addition to our opportunistic tendencies, most guys feel compelled to put as many sexual conquests under their belts as possible. "I admit it — I know the exact number of girls I've slept with, no mental calculation required," says Dan, 29. "That's how aware I am of how many notches I have. And I'd never commit until I felt like I'd experienced enough different women." Every guy's definition of enough is different, so there's a chance he wrote you off just because you didn't come late enough on his own personal hit list. The moral of the story: Until we grow up, mark everything off our sexual checklists or have too many friends convince us that we can't do better than you, the flight risk is real.

We're Fixated on the Worst-Case Scenario

From the times you chastise us for leaving a wet towel on the bed to those nights you rip through a pint of fudge ripple without stopping to breathe, we file each incident in a mental folder labeled Evidence She'll Change for the Worse. We flip through that file whenever we're trying to decide if we want to hang on to the relationship. Blame our married friends who took the plunge before us, but many single guys are hyperaware of what could go wrong down the road. Even if we're crazy about you now, we panic that you'll pack on the pounds, want sex only once a month and nag us day and night. So we secretly flag certain things we're scared might be a harbinger of bad things to come. "I've seen it happen to too many of my friends," says Elliot, 29. "All they do is bitch about how the sex takes a total nosedive after they get serious with a girl. So sometimes, even if the woman I'm dating is a horny little minx, I freak out and bail."

We're in Like, Not in Love

It's harsh but true. In fact, it's probably the most common reason we bolt. Just because a guy likes you a lot isn't a guarantee that it will evolve into love. And we're surprisingly intuitive when it comes to figuring out a girl's potential on this front. "I stayed with one woman for two years because the sex was great and she never pushed the issue, but I knew the minute I met her that she wasn't The One," says David, 30.

So why do we invest any time in a relationship that we know will ultimately end? Because we're able to live in the moment for a while and chalk it up to a good experience. But once you show that you're way more into us than we are into you, we'll dump you out of guilt. "I dated this girl for about a year, but as soon as she started using the L word, I had to end it," recalls Jay, 29. "It was hard. I cared about her and didn't want to hurt her. But I knew that if I stuck around, she'd have been happier at first but miserable later on. After all, she deserved to be with someone who loved her as much as she loved me.

We're Too into You

Just when you thought it was all bad news, here's a hard-to-fess-up admission: Guys are protective of their emotions. Translation: We're scared shitless of being hurt. So, if we start to feel like we're getting into a situation where we'll be destroyed if you dump us, we might launch a preemptive strike and yank the plug first. For Gary, 27, showing his girlfriend of two years the exit felt like the only choice. "She was the first girl I was serious with, and I didn't like letting someone have that much power over me. I was starting to feel emotionally needy, and that was uncomfortable for me," he recalls. "So I ditched her to save myself!"

Sounds crazy, but cut us some slack. Think about how vulnerable and paranoid you feel when you're nuts about a guy, and realize that we go through the same thing with girls we really like. But our friends aren't as good at helping us get over an ex as yours are, plus being openly heartbroken makes us look like wusses. Nope, it's better to act like a winner before you turn us into a loser, which is when our natural self-preservation may come into play. Before the real humiliation and pain assail us like a plague, ending the relationship seems like a good option.

Are You About to Be Jilted?

Signs that your man's getting ready to bail 

His cell phone is always off. He might be spending time with someone he doesn't want you to know about...or he just doesn't want to make himself available.

He's reluctant to make plans. If he hems and haws about committing to anything — even if it's in the semi-near future — he's thinking about making a break for it.

He's meaner. The passive-aggressive breakup is a guy standby. Some men intentionally turn into a-holes to make sure you break up with them.

He's not into sex. He doesn't want to feel connected to you — or he's getting his needs filled somewhere else

This article was taken from CosmoOnline, read more by clicking here.